Hello, all. This is your local satirist Prem’onition, with the first post of what I hope to be a long and enjoyable stay here at PremHaven. I’ll write more serious, bloglike things too, but humor and silliness will be the primary tools in my arsenal – which, coincidentally, is the team I hold most dear. Enjoy this bit of pretend news. Much more is to come.
Manchester City today announced that the long-speculated move of fan Jacob Newman from his previously supported club West Ham United has been formalized. The signing of his contract took place early this morning and the club plans to formally present Newman, 43, a quick-minded fan well known for his strong and accurate crosses into the beer stand from any position in the final third of the seating area, later this week. West Ham received a transfer fee that is undisclosed but estimated in the range of £5-10,000 for the longtime fan. His prospective salary is unknown. During a brief interview at his training pub he cited his reasons for the transfer: “I’ve been a Hammer my whole career, and of course my heart is with this club, but I’ve come to a point where I feel the need for a change. City is an ambitious and growing club, and I think I can help be a part of their quest to establish themselves as one of the top in the EPL.” Raising a pint glass in the air, he added, “CITYYYYY!!!” before slumping over onto the bar.
“Jacob is a welcome addition to our fan squad and I’ve no doubt that he will contribute to our new ambitions for silverware in the seasons to come,” City boss Mark Hughes said when asked to comment. “I’ve long been an admirer of his scarf-waving, leaping and cheering, and he can tear through a plastic pint cup of lager before the opposing fans can even start to react. He did great things for the Hammers and I see still greater to come here at City.”
In a summer that has seen such high-profile signings as star midfielder Gareth Barry from Aston Villa and long-legged striker Emmanuel Adebayor from Arsenal, the arrival of lesser-known new fans like Newman, among a number of other deals that have already taken place or are in the works, might easily be overlooked. His absence will not go unnoticed by his former club, however, said Ernest Wright, a fellow Hammer fan who was often paired with Newman in a central midstadium role. “Jake was great to work with in our years together at West Ham.” Wright denied the implications of some in the press that the move’s motivation was primarily financial, claiming that Newman had seemed restless for some time. “I’m gonna miss him, but I’ve known a long time that he was feeling the need to challenge himself more. I wish him the best,” he finished, “flashy powder-blue pansy City bastard.”
West Ham manager Gianfranco Zola could not be reached for interview as of this article’s publishing, but all indications are that he and the fan parted ways amicably and in friendship, wishing one another luck for the coming season. It is unknown whether Zola will immediately seek to re-strenghthen his squad after Newman’s departure, but it is very likely that he will first examine his options among upcoming youth fans, a number of whom have shown promising development in off-key chanting and expletive-screaming skills.
Rival Manchester United’s Sir Alex Ferguson reportedly made comments to the effect that Manchester City is a small team trying to shop its way to the big boys’ end of the table in a bid that is destined to fail, but Hughes responded quickly and without reservation. “Of course there will be the detractors who say that we’re no more than a little club with a big wallet, using the glitter of gold to attract players and fans out of our class,” he remarked calmly while sipping 50-year-old cognac from a diamond chalice, “but the fact of the matter is that football is a business in our day and age, and we can either accept that or be swept aside by those savvy enough to keep up. I want this team to be as good as it can, and I will buy as many fans as I see fit to help us reach our potential.”
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