Another Arsenal Player Non-Injured

Following a report from the club’s medical staff early this morning, Arsenal manager Arséne Wenger confirmed to the press that midfielder Tomas Rosicky has been added to Arsenal’s startlingly long list of uninjured players.  The veteran Frenchman addressed a group of sports journalists during a pre-training news conference, confirming that the Czech international is the latest member of the team in a growing group who are not banged up, crippled, wounded, in the hospital, or indeed, hurt in any capacity whatsoever.  The press had begun to buzz after Arsenal’s latest Premier League clash when a number of the fielded XI walked off the pitch and reported that they had not, in fact, received any kind of muscular or skeletal damage.  Wenger confirmed these reports, beginning with Rosicky:  “Doctors have confirmed, after completing a scan, that Tomas was not hurt at all in the Chelsea game.  Similar reports are coming in after examining the other players who reported not being injured.  Tomas, Denilson, and Samir Nasri may be fit to play for as long as several months before events take a more normal course and someone has their knee bent wrong by a high boot, or receives vertebral cartilage tearing from a rash challenge.  We will keep close tabs on these well players and keep the press informed as to how long they may continue to be non-bludgeoned.”

Spanish captain Cesc Fabregas, when asked to comment, expressed his surprise.  “I went to Arséne right away at the end of the game when I realized that I wasn’t injured, and was surprised to find that so many of my teammates had met with the same fate.  If things continue on in this way, we may actually field a full-strength side somewhere near the end of the season.”

As Arsenal’s non-injured list grows to include a number of high-profile first team starters, there are concerns that having so many players to choose from, rather than the limited, small pool that ordinarily remains after a normal injury set for the team has taken its toll, may pose a difficulty in selecting the proper team to field for any given match.  With a number of players to choose from, starting lineups may suffer from overabundant staffing, in some cases not only having one player best-suited for every position on the field, but as many as two for several.  “Yes,” Wenger responded, “having so many players to choose from can be an issue.  But as we have dealt with difficulties in the past, we will be able to sort through this one.  Soon enough, I’m sure the normal routine will set in and we’ll be able to trim the uninjured list down to a more standard skeleton team.”  Moments after the interview concluded, a sliding challenge from Mark Hughes took Wenger out at the knees, and he is estimated to be out for the next two to eight weeks.