Note: Some or all of the news reported below may be partly or entirely spurious. Some or all of the sources from which these reports were received may have been dishonest, misleading, under the influence of hallucinogens and/or opiates, or inanimate objects happening to cross the reporter’s path without any capability for speech or thought at all. Although, in the reporter’s defense, that table lamp totally had the inside story at Arsenal.
Real Madrid Receives Bids for C. Ronaldo from “Interested Celestial Persons”
Reports have come in from the presiding businesspersons of Real Madrid CF regarding several bids that have been made on midfielder Cristiano Ronaldo from “Interested Celestial Persons.” More detailed news has reached this agency as of late, regarding specific bids. The first reported was made when a Madrid priest, Padre Josue Nicolás Guillén del Toro, contacted RMCF President Florentino Pérez to inform him that the late Jesus of Nazareth, a noted celestial figure and deity of great prominence in Spain, wished to make a bid of “one thousand stamped ingots of gold and blessings of glory and health” for the young Portuguese. Mr. of Nazareth was quoted as saying, “We have watched young Ronaldo for many years, and We believe that he would make the perfect addition to Our first-team squad in Coelus FC[Coelus being the Latin word for Heaven], particularly for next season’s Higher Planes Champions’ League.” He is then reported to have vanished into a sun-warmed cloud, leaving feelings of kindness and several Kit-Kat wrappers behind.
The second offer came scant days later, when an envoy from the Tibetan Dalai Lama conveyed an offer from Siddhartha Gautama, elsewise known as the Buddha, an Awakened man whose attainment of true knowledge freed him from the material universe and expanded his consciousness to embrace all of everything. He is reported to have said, “Although I was long ago freed from the foolish mortal conceptions of Self and Permanence, so long as there remain beings trapped in the cycle of Samsara, it would be foolish of me not to bolster FC Bodhisattva in its greater cause to free the minds of all sentient beings. With Ronaldo this club could truly become a Great Vehicle.”
There have been several other offers made, including a Shi’a Imam who claimed “There is no God but God, and Cristiano Ronaldo is his Attacking Midfielder,” and direct personal appearances by Thor, Germanic/Norse God of Thunder and Giant-Slayer, who promised “a mountain of Jotun skulls” in exchange for the player, and Zeus, the only celestial being currently associated with a non-celestial team, as the co-president of noted Greek side Olimpiacos.
President Pérez is said to be “In no hurry to sell Ronaldo, but considering all offers.” When asked for comment, the player himself simply shrugged and said that he wondered what had taken them so long.
Ferguson Looking to See Who Else Capello is Ignoring
Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson, whose team is currently occupying a very close second spot behind leaders Chelsea in the English Premier League, is said to be looking for new English talent, but waiting to see “Which players Fabio Capello blatantly ignores” before proceeding. ”[England National Team coach] Capello scarcely seems to remember that Michael Owen even exists, and he’s been an excellent signing. I spent no money to bring him on and he’s proving to be much the same brilliant goalscorer that we all loved watching at Anfield. Clearly, Mr. Capello’s indifference must be a sign of greatness in a player. I’m going to wait and see who he starts ignoring next, and then look into a possible transfer move.” When asked to comment about Michael Owen, Mr. Capello replied, “Who?”
Wenger Unveils Van Persitron 3000
Arsenal manager Arséne Wenger was widely known to be sifting through the transfer market for a highly talented striker to fill the large gap left by the long-term injury to his number one striker, the Dutchman Robin van Persie, and to help add depth to a strike force left bare by the absence of van Persie and Nicklas Bendtner. However, his search soon began to frustrate him, according to sources inside the Arsenal camp, and after a long struggle the manager elected instead to make use of the latest in Dutch footballer-augmenting technologies to make it so that no new player was necessary. In a grand ceremony held at Arsenal’s Emirates Stadium, Wenger pulled a curtain back to reveal a newer, stronger, more metal Robin van Persie, dubbed Van Persitron 3000. Persitron waved to the crowd, flashing his well known rascally grin, part of which was slightly obscured by the cybernetic apparatus on the left side of his face, including a laser-based optical rangefinding and targeting system in place of his left eye. His formerly injured leg was entirely replaced with a high-impact polymer Kickmaster, while his healthy one had been braced with titanium fibers that gleamed in the stadium lights. ”We at Arsenal are tired of having our players injured by defenders who cannot stop them any other way,” Wenger said, “and Robin’s new augments will ensure that that never happens to him again. I would caution any opposing player against getting too close, lest his patented ShinShock defense system reduce your lower leg to a twitching mass of randomly firing muscle fibers,” he concluded, a dangerous menace coming into his voice and steely eyes.
“I feel better than I ever have,” said Van Persitron, grinning at the crowd. ”And I’m here to lead Arsenal to victory, the same way I always have. Only this time with more lasers.” He concluded by firing a left-footed shot from midfield that tore the net from the goal and left a patch of scorched grass in its wake.
Stay Tuned for Transfer News – the Ligher Side, Part II
Loading ...
No
Passes