Note: The authenticity of the following reports may have been called into question by the governing body of United States blogs of association football, GBUSBAF. That’s an acronym, by the way, which means it’s intended to be pronounced. (“guh-BOOSE-baff”) In response, certain other regulatory agencies have also called into question the very existence of GBUSBAF itself, and there may be a legal battle ahead. Stay tuned.
In the meantime, now that the frost-sheathed gate of January transfers has made its creaking descent and shut, let’s have a look at some other, interesting, possibly inaccurate transfer news that may or may not be influenced by political lobbies, prominent CEO’s, and the guy who occasionally slips Ecstasy into my turkey sandwiches.
Beckham Ends Transfer Dispute with Double Team Purchase
The saga of David Beckham’s original loan spell with AC Milan, a transfer that he attempted to make permanent against the wishes of the Los Angeles Galaxy, was a well-known subject in sports media last season. This January, Beckham decided to take preemptive measures to keep such issues from cropping up again, by purchasing both clubs outright. Said an official press release by the English midfielder, “I’ve just about had it with these idiots. Bugger the lot of ‘em. You guys better do what I say now or I’ll rename you both FC Shinypants.” It has also been noted that the section of the LA Galaxy home stands that seats the fan club LA Riot Squad, noted hecklers of the player, will be renamed ‘David Beckham’s Testicular Area.’
Tearful Barcelona Threatens Suicide if Fabregas Does Not Transfer
Ever since Catalan star Cesc Fabregas left Barcelona’s youth system to join Arsenal, the jilted ex-club has been seemingly unable to get over the loss of its beloved, and literally every cycle rumors fill the media of talks between the two estranged parties. The situation finally came to a head when, in a late-night phone call, a sobbing FC Barcelona told the Arsenal captain that it could not imagine its world without him, and might end its own life if Fabregas did not come back to it. Fabregas has hesitated to make a strong response to the threat, and was only recorded as telling reporters, “Barça’s a great team, really a very sweet club that I had a very good time with, but I just don’t have the same feelings for it anymore. Perhaps, some day, something could reignite between us, but I’m happy with Arsenal for now. I just don’t know what to say to Barça to make it feel better.” FC Barcelona could not be reached for comment, having locked itself in its room to listen to Dashboard Confessional and write poorly-constructed poetry.
Hughes Shows Muted Enthusiasm for New Team Based in Own Kitchen
Mark Hughes, former manager of ascending club Manchester City, mumbled softly to himself in his living room, and laid down 100 crisp new Monopoly dollars to complete the transfer of Mr. Spork, a talented piece of diningware capable of taking on both soup-based and more solid positions, to Kitchen Table FC, a club that he has spent most of his time building since his termination as Man City’s coach. ”I see a great deal of promise for Kitchen Table,” said Hughes, three days’ stubble on his face, sitting in his bathrobe, his eyes focused somewhere on the opposite wall of the room. ”This club is small, but its promise is potentially immense. We have a solid, loyal fanbase,” he added, before using his hand to rapidly shake what appeared to be hand-drawn images of large groups of people on his kitchen table, making a quiet ‘raaaaaah’ sound that slowly died away into a hollow, cold rasp not unlike the final rattling breaths of a mortally wounded man.
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