The EPL Manager Unlikely Phenomenon Response Team, #3

After a long absence, your local satirist is coming back into production mode, and I’m going to start out with the third iteration of a series that I began some time ago.  If you don’t remember what this thing is all about, I’d suggest you take a look back at the two previous posts to refresh the idea in your mind.  Basically, something weird or calamitous has occurred, and instead of consulting people whose expertise might actually help us, we ask some of the bright minds who run the teams of the Premiership what to do.  So, without further ado, greater cause for alarm, or extended mandibles, Issue 3 of the EPLMUPRT tackles perhaps the most popular unlikely phenomenon in modern culture:

ZOMBIES!!

Arsene Wenger: You kept asking me for so many years, why I did not throw around huge amounts of money in the transfer market.  I was purchasing canned food, bottled water, construction materials and shotguns, of course.  Did Sir Alex see this day coming?  I don’t think so.  You all have fun out there.  We’ll be barricaded up in the extremely well-fortified Emirates Stadium.  Good luck holding out at Stamford Bridge.

Avram Grant: Oh, you want my help now, is that it?  Of course I’d be only too happy to assist, and rally my team together to defend humanity against the undead hordes.  Hmm, there’s just one small matter that I might like cleared up first… yes, you see the EPL standings board over there, with Portsmouth at the bottom next to the number 16?  I would be much more motivated if that number were, say, thirty or so.  Really, much more.  It’s up to you.

Harry Redknapp: This is awful.  We have to get the situation under control as soon as we can.  People keep screaming and hitting me in the head with blunt objects before they hear me talking and realize that I’m still alive.

Sir Alex Ferguson: I did not really see this coming.  Up until a month or two ago, Rio Ferdinand was a shambling, half-dead creature, so I guess I got used to it.  Hmm, maybe it would help us to fight zombies if we asked advice from a vampire.  After all, they’re both undead.  Dimitar!  Hey, Dim!  Could you lend us a hand?